Vampires Suck
By Nick Manteris · 1 Comments · Leave a Comment
Vampires Suck sucks. Seriously. Don’t go see this movie. Don’t support this type of filmmaking. Don’t waste your money. And, if you refuse to listen, don’t say I didn’t warn you. You can read further if you want more detail, but that’s really all you need to know.
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have once again joined forces to bring you another spoof movie, specifically designed to cash in on the latest big thing currently making money in Hollywood. That’s right, another spoof movie. This abomination of cinema is the fifth movie from the writer/director team of Seltzer and Friedberg. Until this film, I hadn’t yet attached their names to the films, but it’s a mistake I will never, ever make again. (Had they named it Vampire Movie, I might have caught on and avoided this movie altogether, but I was tricked in the same way that they hope to trick all of you. Please, do not fall for it.) Here’s a rundown of their other movies in case you are also unfamiliar with the names: Friedberg and Seltzer’s first success was Date Movie, a film that made over $80 million dollars profit while simultaneously earning ratings of 11 on Metacritic and 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. See, in case it’s not clear, what happened was: they made a crappy movie that made a profit …so they got to make another one. (Moviemaking is a business, people. And you tell the studios what you want to see by voting with your dollars. Try to remember that.) Their next film, Epic Movie (Metacritic: 17, Rotten Tomatoes: 2%, #5 on Empire’s 50 Worst Movies Ever list,) also made a profit of over $80 million and it lives with Alone in the Dark, Eden Log, xXx and The Scorpion King at the very bottom of my personal list of rated movies. Meet the Spartans (Metacritic: 9, RT: 2%, Worst Movie #11, over $60 million profit) and Disaster Movie (M: 15, RT: 2%, Worst Movie #14, over $20 million dollars profit) are just as poorly received, and yet, there’s another film in theaters from the same people that made four of the worst films since motion pictures were invented…because their films keep making money. Seltzer and Friedberg are worse than Uwe Boll (who also makes profitable crappy movies) and every single one of their movies is on Rotten Tomatoes’ Worst of the Worst list for the last decade.
- Score
- 1/10
I know what some of you might be thinking, “It’s a Twilight spoof though, won’t this movie be funny for fans of the Twilight Saga?” To put it simply: No. There are only three funny moments in the entire film…and the movie is filled with gag after gag after gag. (For comparison, last week’s underperforming-at-the-box-office Scott Pilgrim vs. the World only had three jokes that failed.) Vampires Suck follows the same basic storyline as Twilight and the jokes that are inserted along the way are the exact same quality as those found in any of their Fill-in-the-blank Movies. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid calling Vampires Suck a parody because it’s so shallow and narrow that the only accurate type of parody that would fit is a parody failure. The writers obviously don’t care about the source material and, since they focus their jabs at both the subject matter and the target audience, the best they can hope for is to completely alienate the people that have just spent their hard-earned money on entertainment. It’s a sure-fire recipe for success! The only glimmer of hope in this entire mess is Jenn Proske, who – acting from a completely degrading script – does an amazing job of mimicking Kristen Stewart’s mannerisms. Hopefully, she will move on to do better things in the same way that Anna Faris transcended the Scary Movie franchise. (Another potential side-effect of this string of terrible spoofs is a film that parodies the spoofs: Not Another Not Another Movie and the filmmakers in this movie decide to make a spoof because “If you set your goals too high…um, you might not ever reach ‘em.”)
To sum up: if you pay money to see this film you are not only subjecting yourself to cruel and unusual punishment, but – more importantly – you are doing a disservice to anyone that has ever loved a film and – most importantly of all – the very future of the film industry.
While nearly completely
While nearly completely devoid of comedy, it was an amazingly accurate remake of the Twilight movie.
Thu, 09/02/2010 - 09:21 · Anonymous